Lapse

Each passing day, I feel more disconnected from the world, from reality and from the people around me, even those I once thought I was close to.

I’m starting to think that maybe there’s another plan for me out there and it doesn’t involve a lot of people. In fact, it could only be me.

Every time I catch of glimpse of others, even my closest friends, they seem very comfortable to be around other people, but I can never let myself be that way because I was never allowed to be in a position where I could totally let my guard down and expect to be safe.

It’s no secret that I have trust issues. But I believe that there’s another secret that’s gradually unveiling itself. A secret about me that I wasn’t fully aware of.

I think…

I think I love being alone.

And that’s somehow impaired me in the manners of socializing and behaving when people are around me. I’ve been alone for so long that I’ve gotten used to it. I don’t really crave more attention. I always feel like I just wanna be alone and be left to do my work. To be immersed in the world I’ve created, which, over time, seems more real to me now than this world.

The characters, the people, the places, the events…I know them all. I’ve seen it play in my head hundreds upon hundreds of times.

And that is why…my characters, my world…my Red Grade…it’s all I’ve got left in this world to look forward to. And honest to God, if someone were to take that away from me…I don’t know what I’ll do.

I don’t know…

Destined Solitude

You know what I’ve noticed?

I don’t have the “pulling power”. I just don’t.

I don’t know whether people are born with it or you actually attain such skill, but no matter how much I try to change to accommodate or to suit the situation, it always ends the same.

I don’t know what is it with me?

People just take a look at my face and they just don’t want to associate with me or don’t know how to or they just feel awkward. I wonder whether it’s the way I look at them or the way I have that straight face or the way I talk the first time seems insincere.

Maybe it’s all three.

I’ve always wondered why people think that just ’cause someone seems aloof, indifferent or pre-occupied most of the time, it means that that someone is not worth their time, but the people who are loud, noisy and act as if they give a crap are “friends to keep”.

I guess this is the sad state of the world people like me just have to live with and we become drifters…lonely, wandering, faceless drifters.

I’ve always imagined what it’ll be like to be in solitude.

It doesn’t seem that bad.

The further I am from people, the closer I am with the rest of the universe, which in turn make me more aware of the Almighty’s presence.

Like I said…it doesn’t seem that bad.

Great Kick-off

Well, the new season of the English Premier League is underway and I gotta tell ya’, this has been one of the most sweetest first rounds.

Okay, first off, let’s just make it clear which team I’m supporting, which teams I’m semi-supporting and which teams I downright dislike.

I am a supporter of Blackburn Rovers. Have been since 93/94 season and I stayed true to them even when they were in the Championship League. And to see them coming back from a goal down to kick Middlesbrough’s ass 2-1 at Riverside was real, real glorious. All I can say Santa Cruz is proving to be a good buy, there’s real potential in Derbyshire and Mark Hughes, keep up with your attacking mentality, man. And please, please keep Robbie Savage. That guy’s a utility man in midfield. He’s hardworking and it’s like he runs on rocket fuel or something. He doesn’t tire and he was still running around the whole field during stoppage time. Amazing!

So, the teams which I semi-support are Manchester United, Arsenal and Reading. All for different reasons which I’m not gonna elaborate right now. Teams which I totally dislike are, of course, Chelsea. I mean, who doesn’t hate’em? Followed by Tottenham, Bolton and West Ham. Again, I’m not gonna elaborate, but I just hope the teams mentioned above have a terrible season, respective to their goals, like say, Chelsea doesn’t win the title, Tottenham and Bolton are not in the top 10 and West Ham gets relegated for good.

I am, so far, impressed by Newcastle United. Sam Allerdyce has really turned that team around and they look more confident in their attack. I’m hoping they’ll make it to at least top 10 and if Sam is really good, I won’t be surprised if Newcastle makes it to top 5.

Bottom line, I hope Blackburn ends up in a UEFA spot. Better still, why not 4th or 3rd? Sounds impossible? We shall see. But as they always say, the ball is round and anything can happen in football.

Blackburn could even be the 2007/2008 EPL Champions!

CCPE or MegaMedia?

As mentioned in a post previously, I might become a CCPE soon if Aspire! decides I’m good enough and give me a call.

This past Wednesday, however, I went for an interview for a job at MegaMedia, which is an established media company heading into Internet broadcasting with SingTel’s Mio or milo, whatever it’s called. Anyway, it’s a Tape Op post. It’s purely technical, routine shit. Shift job. 0700-1500 or 1500-2300. Basically, eight-hour shifts. But it pays only $1.4K.

Ok, so here’s the tale of the tape. CCPE -> $1.6K, office hours, working with teachers and kids, co-ordinating, interactiong with a lotta ppl. Tape Op -> $1.4K, 8-hr shifts, working with tech guys, editors and producers, technical and routine, just within my quarters.

To me, it really seems appealing to be working something purely technical. I’ll still be in the media loop. I’ll be working a lot with HD and I’ll get to know the means of internet broadcasting. I’ll be more knowledgeable about the latest gadgets and machines and whatnot. And, the best part, I don’t really have to mingle with a lotta people all the time.

Seriously, I’m okay with getting $200 less. I’m still young and single and $1.4K is ok to me since I’m doing something routine and I still have time the rest of the day to work on my personal projects. And in the long run, being in MegaMedia, I can switch to a more creative position if I decide I want a change in my jobscope and who knows, maybe in two years time, they’ll have more interesting programs that I can produce and write about and that’s an awesome piece to put into my resume.

It’s funny though. Seems no matter where I look or where I turn, I still end up back in the media industry. Is this a sign for me to just hang in there? Perhaps. But am I missing out on an opportunity to explore another side of me that could interact well with people? Highly possible. But there’s no definite chance that I’ll meet a hot young babe teacher in the school I’m posted at if I so choose to stay on the course to be a CCPE.

So I have ’till Monday to come up with a decision. I have to inform Joshua from MegaMedia about my choice.

I hope I’ll make the right one.

42 Years of “Possibilities”

Well, Singapore celebrated yet another year of independence, bringing the score to an incredible 42 years!

42 freakin’ years! And we’re barely visible on the world map. That’s quite a feat for a tiny little island with no natural resources and fucking humidity that totally discourages cool outfits.

Anyways, since this year’s theme is “City of Possibilities”, which by the way is one of the best comedic tagline ever invented in the history of mankind, I figured I’d list down a few possibilities that, you know, Singapore might make happen or are already happening.

So, at the top of my head, they are:
- is it possible for the S-League to one day be a more professional football league recognized across the world?
- is it possible for the S-League coaches to step up the discipline of their clubs and seriously make those mat players commit to their game instead of just using it as a platform to get chicks?
- is it possible for Singapore to actually make it to the World Cup finals?
- is it possible for the GST to go down since our economic growth is predicted to keep growing?
- is it possible for our future generation to finally speak up what’s on their minds without fear of being labeled a traitor and arrested as a political prisoner?
- is it possible that Singapore would finally open up to really liberal ideas such as real strip clubs, adult film industry and more lax sexual laws (e.g. oral sex and homosexuality)
- is it possible for the Singaporean film industry to finally make a mark rather than keep on relying on Hollywood movies and dampening the growth of Singaporean filmmakers?
- is it possible that the taxpayers’ money is being used to fund the Israel occupation of Palestine, making Singaporeans indirectly responsible for the injustice, oppression and endless massacre of the Palestinians?
- is it possible that Singapore actually stop sucking up to US and its policies blindly so that our safety won’t be in constant jeopardy?

Well, that’s about as much as I can think of. But I’m sure a lotta other Singaporeans ponder about countless more possibilities that the government should actually take notice of. ‘Till next time…

Happy 42nd Birthday, Singapore!
Majulah Singapura!

A different path

Apologies for the 8-day absence. Been rather busy with job-related matters and my body hasn’t been at a 100%. It still isn’t but it’s quite alright now, so I’m able to write now.

Well, here’s the rundown. I went for an interview this past Wednesday for an admin job. This agency called Aspire! is in cahoots with the Ministry of Education and so they supply schools around S’pore with admin staff. You know, non-teaching kinda roles. But my interviewer, Mr. Razali, who’s a nice and well-mannered guy, offered me three posts, so that I could choose which one I’m more comfortable with. So during the interview, he offered a spot at a CCPE (Co-Curricular Programme Executive) workshop, which I attended yesterday and much to my surprise, I was the youngest guy there surrounded by makciks in tudungs and guys experiencing mid-life crises who just got retrenched.

So hell, what the hey, I try to enjoy myself and it was real interesting getting to know the different backgrounds and reasons of those individuals who are trying to get this CCPE job. Let’s just say the whole “more jobs during the first quarter of this year”, recently on the front page of the Straits Times is, as usual, a load of…CRAP! More like “more people got retrenched during the first quarter of this year”.

Anyhoo, the CCPE job scope looks pretty okay and I’ve expressed interest in being one. I actually have another interview this coming Wednesday with Mega Media. It’s a post for Tape Operator. I know Mega Media is a huge company, but tape operator isn’t really the glamorous post. Well, I’m just gonna go for that interview, see what they offer and shit and if it’s better, maybe I’ll take it. If it pays less than $1,500 and it’s shift work, than forget about it.Besides, the whole working at a school thing sounds kinda fun. I think. Maybe I’ll get to change a few things here and there like promote more media awareness within a bunch of CCA groups like the AV club or the drama club or whatever club they have these days in school.

I wasn’t even aware there was such a thing called CCP. Last I heard was CCA. Now they’ve combined CCA with CIP and CDP. And once I’m at one of those schools, all these jargons and shit have to be second nature. Otherwise, I dunno what the fuck they’d be talking about in staff meetings, you know.

So, professional life aside, I’ve recently finished revising my scripts up to part 8 of Rebirth. I’m taking a little break. Just a little. I’ll continue with part 9 beginning of the week. Oh and Screenplayer Film Festival has received 11 films altogether now and it’s shaping up to be one hell of an event. We’ve got 2 entries from India, one from the US and another from Australia. Screenplayer is making waves, baby!

All I can say is, the recent happenings in the past week seems like a sign of possibly great things to come. Anant is taking up that Assistant Producer gig at some production company, which name I can’t seem to remember, and Man’s still doing pretty well as a video editor. So, the three of us are finally exploring three totally different paths and it’s at the point of our lives where we need to find out where exactly we belong. But whatever it is, hopefully we can always bring something useful back to Refuge.

Cheers.